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<title>[its all too loud] by ScytheDariah</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29058000">[its all too loud]</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScytheDariah/pseuds/ScytheDariah'>ScytheDariah</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, IRL Fic, Suicidal Thoughts, Wilbur Soot (Mentioned) - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:47:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,015</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29058000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScytheDariah/pseuds/ScytheDariah</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy doesn't know why he feels this way.</p><p> </p><p>(inspired by the fanfic juilee line by qar)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>[if only i knew how]</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>[its all too loud]</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw// suicidal thoughts</p><p>(tell me if i need to add other tws)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tommy was looking at hate comments again.</p><p>His phone read 12:12 am. It was dark, though there was a bit of light that came through his closed blinds. He was in his bed, scrolling through his comments sorted by new. </p><p>“U loser Tommyinnit”</p><p>“I hate you Tommy”</p><p>“U were right i do find you annoying how did u no?” </p><p>And of course, the most common one:<br/>
“Shut up”</p><p>All he had to do was a little scrolling and he’d find them. They didn’t mean anything to him, they were just a couple of words with improper grammar.<br/>
But every once in a while, there would be a comment that he’d think about for a bit.</p><p>“all you do is leech off other people. go make some original content.”</p><p>“How much do you pay them to hangout with you?”</p><p>In the end, they were comments he could shrug off. It’s not like everyone could like him. </p><p>(Yet it also felt like his own friends didn’t even like him…)</p><p>They called all the time, of course. They talked, played Minecraft together, had some good laughs.</p><p>His mind couldn’t help but wander to MCC 10, when Wilbur just kept telling him to shut up. Phil and Techno just sat there, oblivious to what he was feeling. He remembered every insult, every time people treated him unfairly. When people would vote him out in Among Us and not say a thing. When he stayed up just to be on Georges’s love or host, only to be told to shut up by Austin repeatedly, while the entire chat was laughing at him. When nobody would listen to what he had to say. When nobody would take him seriously...</p><p>Why was that? Because he was annoying? Because he’s a kid?</p><p>Being annoying was part of his persona. Even when he wasn’t trying, people just found him so anyway.</p><p>It was fine. He could pretend he was fine. </p><p>(When his stomach would twist, and he was going to throw up. When he couldn’t breathe, and his eyes were glassing over but he had to keep it together. He couldn’t; not in front of thousands of people. He couldn’t cry because if he started he’d never stop. He can't, he can’t, he can't-)</p><p>He remembered in grade school when he just wanted to be friends with everyone. He’d pull their hood and tease them lightly so they could have a conversation, and he’d get to know them better. </p><p>
  <em>Can you stop being so annoying?</em>
</p><p>He didn’t mean to be annoying! He just wanted to talk to people and he didn't know any other way. It was natural, he could probably hold it off for a couple of hours at most.</p><p>He knew these things were long in the past, but they stuck around in his head. Every time it felt like things were getting better, and he could trust people, he’d remember. He’d remember that they didn’t care about him. He’d remember how they had hurt him, how they didn’t even notice how he was dying. </p><p>(Maybe he was just too sensitive. Maybe it wasn’t even real and he was faking it. Maybe he was just an attention-seeking bitch.</p><p>But even though they hurt him, he still cared for them more than anything.)</p><p>He could always talk to Tubbo. He would just listen to him. He’s opened up about smaller things before, and he would listen. But he didn’t understand what he was going through. It’s not like all the ranting did him any good. </p><p>Tommy didn’t even know why he felt pain anyway. <em>He was so sure that he numbed everything out.</em> Every day just felt the same. He didn’t have the motivation to do anything. He kept his streams short because it’s exhausting to maintain his persona for longer than a couple of hours max. He kept the desk in his background clean and made his bed, but his closet was a mess and there were clothes on the ground as well as random papers-</p><p>How had his life come to this? He’s Tommyinnit! The big man himself, with one of the largest viewer amounts on twitch. He’d even passed Technoblade in subscribers the other day. Technoblade. His long time idol who had been doing youtube for years. He talks to famous people every day. Hell, he is a famous person. He gets to play games for a living, he got thousands of subs every time he streamed. </p><p>So why wasn’t he happy? </p><p>Deep down, he knew he’d never be. Friendship? Love? Family? </p><p>He knew that they would all leave someday. That friendships didn’t last. That everyone would get tired of him.</p><p>Love was a lie. Nobody could ever love him. They’d leave someday. </p><p>His parents were very supportive and kind, but he wasn't really close to them.<br/>
Besides, he was fucked up anyway. His friends didn’t make him happy even when they talked to him every day and they’d do stuff together. He gave up on love in middle school because he got a new crush every 3 months, so he couldn’t really trust what he was feeling anymore. </p><p>(He knew he could end all of it. He could take a bus ride somewhere, and jump off a cliff. Or drown in the ocean. He could drink bleach, or stab himself, or get hit by a train, or hang himself-</p><p>But he didn’t.) </p><p>He was waiting. Hoping. Hoping that like every other time he’d been in this void, he’d make it out. That he’d live his life without a care in the world. That he’d smile all the time and laugh until he couldn’t breathe. That he'd get to experience everything the world had to offer. And that he’d look back on this time, and tell himself it was worth it. Everything was worth it. </p><p>But for now, there wasn’t much he could do. </p><p>So he closed his eyes and imagined he was far far away. Under an open sky filled with stars, with his friends, talking about the most random things…</p><p>He was asleep before he knew it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry if this is really bad its the first fic i've ever made. feedback is appreciated!</p><p>qars angst oneshots really hit me in the feels so I thought itd be cool if i tried my hand at writing?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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